The Sports Bra Dilemma

Please know that before you continue to read this, there are some slightly crude words that may offend you. That being said I am going to explain to the meaning of a sports bra and what it feels to live in one 7 days a week.

Sports bra, noun.-a uni-boob inducing piece of stretchy fabric that is meant to worn during high impact sports and days when all of your other bras are in the wash. Also for women (and the odd male-gynecomastia or man boobies) who want to appear to be athletic.

I am no stranger to wearing sports bras. As a competitive athlete and all around tom-boy, I worship these wonderful elastic rack hammocks. I mean, can you honestly say that underwire bras digging into your back and leaving gross marks all around your chest is attractive, let alone comfortable? If you answered yes to this question then it proves that your bra band is way too tight and it is cutting off the circulation to brain making it impossible for you to have logical answers.

One of my most memorable make-out moments with a boys was one in which I sported the sports bra. I was wearing a tattered and worn out lacrosse pinnie and sweatpants. I really get dressing to impress. So anyway, he did what any horny, college guy would; his hands went a wandering. Most boys think that when they put there hands up a girl's shirt, they will find a clasp gasping to be unhooked. But not with this girl. No way. Instead he pulled it off my skin about an inch and let it snap back into place. He was so amused that he continued to do so. That went on for over 20 minutes. Some girls would have been humiliated, but it was my proudest moment yet.

During the summer and sometimes into the fall if I am feeling frisky, I'll wear a sports bra without a shirt over it. No, it is not to show off my massive, size 30B knockers (can a 30 be described as massive?) not is it to show off how nice and tan and 6 pack-a-licious my belly is. I go sans shirt because running 15 miles when it is over 80 degrees is not something you want to do with a shirt chaffing your armpits. And those farmer tans make me feel like a Hillbilly. I remember one day when I went out in a gray t-shirt. It is one of my favorites (it has 'Dartmouth Soccer' printed on the front), a nice heather gray. But came home with the back completely wet from the humid air combined with my sweat. The armpits were another story. So I vowed to go out the next day in just the sports bra.

In Rhode Island, there are a lot of funky people. There are a lot of wonderful people, but the funkiness is very apparent. Whenever I go out for my runs, I get a lot of honks. Men in trucks, men in jeeps, even the jewel upon jewels, a man in a mini-van. What a douche! I'm am trying to leave a small carbon footprint by using my legs instead of a car and I get mullet donning weenies shouting 'Oh, yeah!' at me while they listen to bad country or booming rap. It is incredible what men find sexy. Here is me, dripping with sweat, red-faced with dirt and exhaust sticking to my skin. To top off the hotness factor even more, I usually pull my track shorts up to my belly button. In Rhode Island, you can't wear a sports bra and shorts. That is just out of the question. It frustrates me to know that even in a t-shirt, men still honk at me like. Miss Jenna Jameson would probably salute me.

Most people carry guns today so if you are out jogging/running and a man honks at you, don't scream out 'Fuck off' and flip your middle finger. He might be an ex-con so you can never be to cautious with the reaction. Or, to guarantee that no one will honk, carry a trident with you (not the gum, the thing Poseidon used). That will definitely scare 'em off. But the cops might not be as amused so make sure to disguise as something friendly or polite (i.e. a muffin or a chihuahua). If you want to wear a sports bra, make sure you do it with caution.

By Molly