5 years.

I write this post from that same big bed that was moved piece by piece from our too-big house on Urban Road.  The same ginger husband reads next to me, looks over to notice that somehow I'm writing again, and doesn't question it just waits for me to turn off the light eventually.  Recently I realised that it's been 5 years since I left my life in the states and whilst I would have loved a weekend to reflect on that, I took 5 minutes, micro-blogged a thank you on Facebook and went back to my very different, very hectic life. 

I work hard, in a thankless job where I'm oddly respected and can play dress-up every day.  I'm an anomaly to my coworkers, will never stop being a foreigner really and overshare, cry too much, get frustrated too easily and just as easily let it all go when the key scrapes in the lock and my beautiful partner has run the bath and vacuumed the cat hair off the living room rug and grocery shopped without me because it's dark at 4pm and he's home before and somehow, despite what I think, he believes I deserve it.  The disconnect from that work-self when I walk in the door is an amazing form of sweet release.  I get 30 minutes, give or take, to complain about my day and then I must let go and surrender my best self to my real life.

I've never been ambitious really.  Never thought I'd have an important career or save the world or go back to school for an advanced degree.  I've been searching for my way home for years, for a true life partner and soul mate, a love to take for granted and a beautifully curated life.  My walls aren't filled with degrees or awards but photos of our wonderful extended family and the adventures we've had, art created by the women in our life.  My life isn't my own any longer, it's shared and cooperative.  I've never been so unselfish in my life and my only fear of having children is that I may love them more than I love this man.

It's been so long since I've written, I worry this is rambling but it feels so good to stretch these muscles, I hope eventually I can articulate some coherent thesis, explain myself better.  Bear with me.

Kate